I know you’ve been dying to hear the glasses story

A little over a week ago, I suddenly decided it was time to harvest from the money tree (also known as a HELOC) so that I could get my first eye exam in 2 years. Before that, it was 15 years, but who’s counting. Now that I have “pre-diabetes” (but don’t tell anyone that my fasting sugar is always over 120, because then They might remove the “pre” and who knows what would happen then. Anarchy, probably) I’m supposed to have an eye exam every six months to monitor for a bunch of old person eye diseases. Without medical or eye insurance, I’ve decided it’ll just happen when there’s money to pull out of our asses, or when I stop being able to see.

You might remember a few weeks ago when I updated twitter repeatedly about my new reading glasses, and how incredibly different the printed word looked to me all the sudden. Hence the eye exam. What if it wasn’t just reading glasses! What if I’m GOING BLIND FROM THE “Diabeeettas” (as Brett Michaels likes to call it)? So I go to Value Vision, whose name should have been a giant red beacon in my mind screaming BACK AWAY FOR CHRISTS SAKE but beggars and choosers and all that, and plus it’s near a Golden Corral so I figured we could kill 2 birds: treat my sugar induced eye disease, and then go make it worse.

Long story short, I have glasses now. The deal was glasses in an hour for 113.00, frames and exam included. When I got to the store, I was pointed to a rack of about 14 pairs of glasses that were part of the promotion. I picked the only plastic ones, which as it turns out were also the only child’s sized frames on the rack which is lucky because as it turns out I have a child’s sized face. (Hi, I’d like to oder my child sized thighs now please)

I promptly went home and ordered three more pair from Zenni optical who I highly, highly recommend for inexpensive and stylish frames for normal sized faces. For me, there were three frames that would fit. So I ordered them all. I’m sure they’ll be adorable.

We’ve ordered from zenni twice before for my teenage daughter who should not ever be allowed to posses anything that costs more than 3 dollars. She recently lost two pairs of her glasses in a week. In the ocean. She wore her glasses into the ocean. Save me.

Except I CAN’T see with these damn glasses. The prescription is almost non-existent. I mean really. It’s so barely noticeable that I feel like I’m wearing vanity specs. Except…..everything is just a little hazy through them, as if they’re dirty. As if I’m looking through a window. For the first few days, they made me dizzy, which according to my research is normal especially for astigmatism. I also read that sometimes people with astigmatism can go through weeks of adjustment.

Here’s the thing: If I have to keep taking my glasses off so that I can see, what’s the point? I mean other than the hot librarian look which I must say I’m pulling off very well even without the long hair and bun.

Here’s the other thing: what if the prescription is just wrong? I know: why don’t I just take them back to Valu-Vision and have them recheck it and my eyes? Confession: Jacksonville is like another whole county away. I’d have to drive like, 35 minutes to get to this place. When I go to Jacksonville it’s like a road trip. I try to plan eight different errands all in the same area so that my excursion is worth it.

I know those of you who live in California right now are shaking your fist at the computer screen and cursing me. I’m cursing myself too. It’s just silly. I belong on a mountaintop in Montana somewhere with a monthly trip “into town” and an easy delivery route for the UPS truck who can deliver all my groceries and household needs from Amazon and Etsy.

In the meantime, should I go over there? Are they going to tell me that I need weeks of adjustment before I should think about another eye exam? Is it the cheap glasses, which do not have anti-reflective coat? (the zenni glasses when they come, will have the coating, because it was 4.95 as opposed to 62.95 at the store) Do I need some kind of heavy duty glasses cleaner? Help me, internet.

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