Nothing Goes Together Like Bodily Functions and Marriage

My husband’s been away for a week and I’d like to go ahead say this out loud: I hope he never decides to cheat on me or die, because I could never leave him. It’s not necessarily the work of having the kids all week without him; I tag out with my dad in the evenings. It’s more the loneliness. The absence of another person in the room when something incredibly cute happens, or when I think if I have to answer one more question before I have my coffee I might just throw myself through a window. There’s been no “ask Daddy” or “go watch the simpsons with Daddy” or “holy crap why are they doing this to us” kind of commiseration.

I’m an introvert, which makes it difficult to be a parent in the first place. But this trait also hinders me when it comes to building the kind of mother’s community that we see in the commercials for Mommy Yoga and Girl’s Night Out. The fact is, my husband is my best friend, and I’d rather be with him than just about anybody. The women in my life who are close to me are all perfectly laid back and exceedingly easy to be around, but I haven’t been living with them for nine years.

I confess that part of my high level of comfort with Michael is related to how infrequently I feel the need to wear a bra, or clothes really, in his presence. And let’s face it: after nine years together, it’s a rare day that doesn’t find my husband gazing at me in amazement after a particularly amplified burp, and on more than one occasion I’ve run him from the room with delightful bodily functions from south of the border. So it’s understandable really, isn’t it? It’s just so EASY to be married! It’s so easy to slip into that complacent frame of mind where life is all ratty underwear and farts at the dinner table, no?

Lately though, I’ve been venturing out, have had conversations with women I barely know and have found them tolerable, and have entertained the idea of building a social circle again.

What worries me is this: now that I’m feeling better, less reclusive and more able to tolerate the company of other humans, what if I make a slip of judgment one night and let out a huge fart during a girls’ night out movie party?

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