Stop Talking to Pregnant Women. Just Stop Saying Anything At All, OK?

Most explosively rude comment ever. Yelled- nay, screeched- across a parking lot:

“That HAS to be twins! Oh, maybe triplets! You’re having twins or triplets, right?”

“No. There’s just one in here”

“NO WAY! Are you SURE!? That’s GOT to be twins”

-No, I’m not sure what’s inside my own pregnant body, you fudgeing idiot, because this is the middle ages or “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” or I DON’T KNOW, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN EVERY DOCTOR I’VE SEEN FOR THE LAST SEVEN MONTHS.

Guys. GUYS. This kind of talk is never funny, good-natured, or ingratiating.

(loud commentary to her friends at the table about how incredibly huge I am and how miserable I must be at this moment)

She didn’t ask my due date. She didn’t ask my name, or otherwise engage me further.

PSA: Here is how these conversations should go:

First you’re not obligated to comment when you see a pregnant person. Really. We know we’re pregnant. We know we’re large, or small, or glowing, or shiny, or whatever. We have mirrors, and families to tell us what we look like. If you must say something: if you just cannot allow a pregnant person to pass you by without some comment, just ASK THE DUE DATE. If, that is, you’re willing to take the risk that you’ll be asking a person their due date when they might not be pregnant. Be careful. It happens. 

When you hear the due date, swallow WHATEVERTHEfudge you were going to say, and just say this: (Are you ready? Burn this into your memory, Internet. Make sure you never forget it)

“Oh! Congratulations! Have a great rest of your pregnancy! Good Luck!”

I would say vary this statement, but evidently the public at large cannot be trusted to improvise when it comes to commentary to or about pregnant women. So just fudgeing memorize the above and use it every single time, please.

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2 thoughts on “Stop Talking to Pregnant Women. Just Stop Saying Anything At All, OK?

  1. Oh, holy shit. You are right on. Actually, you are going easy on those rat bastards, man. Easily, the most ridiculous and ignorant interaction I have seen. I still cannot even believe I heard what I heard. They weren’t even talking to you, they were loudly talking about you while vaguely acknowledging your existence.Absurd.

    Like

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