i bet if you stuck a needle in me, i’d explode

Digestive enzymes-this evil creature that has taken over my stomach and intestines spits in the face of Digest Gold. So it is that I find myself doubled over on the couch, grimacing, waiting for the next wave of agony. “Is this what labor feels like?” I ask myself as I practice the deep breathing my Bradley instructor taught us. I force myself to relax my entire body, which is NOT VERY EASY, folks, when your instinct is to grab the scissors on the table and rip your intestines out and clean them with a bottle brush.

I watched my friend have a baby. I was there for a good part of the labor, and most of the hard part. At the time I thought, “I can totally do that! If that’s all there is- I’m so there” and then the last few days happened, and I’m not so sure anymore what I can do.

I know this: if something doesn’t’ happen soon to allow me to eat without wanting to die afterward, Bad Things will descend upon this house.

This was sort of funny last night. Now it just sucks.


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