I know I say this every year but this year I mean it… May I be excused from the holidays? At least from the one coming up in FOUR DAYS?
I couldn’t figure out why I’m so anti-Thanksgiving this year, since this year I’m not depressed and I don’t have to spend the day with any freaky people. And then today I woke up from a sinus-headache induced coma and it hit me. And I do mean hit me. You know I haven’t gained much weight yet? That’s because I don’t want to eat. Mostly I just don’t feel hungry but when I woke up today, in the WORST PAIN EVER, I realized. I’m plenty hungry. But my body is telling my brain “no, no, don’t worry about it, not hungry, not at all- just pop a prenatal and drink some milk” because it’s trying to protect itself from the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAIN that comes after every.single. meal.
It’s pregnancy gas, Internet. No food is safe. I am ambushed daily by simple meals that seem innocuous. Oatmeal? Egg Salad? ENGLISH MUFFINS? COME ON, body. Work with me.
The real question is why, why, why in all these weeks of writhing in pain, gasping for breath while clutching my poor stomach did I never think of digestive enzymes?
Excuse me, I’m off to pop an enzyme and eat the other half of my foot long sub.